Lately I have felt such a since of comfort and peace. One of my favorite songs from church says it all, "Grace like rain falls down on me." A friend once told me that when she was going through a similar journey she prayed daily for peace, comfort and hope... so that's what I do. Each morning and every evening I ask God to help me through this journey. If his plan is for us to adopt then I want to feel peace with that and I want this longing to carry my own child to go away. There have been no tears and less worrisome thoughts. In fact, I feel so hopeful it almost scares me. My faith is in God's immaculate plan.
Life has been great lately. John and I went to Pinehurst last Friday and enjoyed a day at the spa getting pampered. It was exactly what we needed. The rest of the weekend we spent having corn hole tournaments against one another, grilling out, spending time with friends, and relaxing together. Yesterday, I went to neighborhood yoga and immersed myself in trash tv: in The Bachelorette. How am I ever going to get motivated to go back to work in a couple of weeks?
Today I went for my first full acupuncture session. This session was much different than the last. David started by putting 4 needles in my lower back, two in each leg and two in each foot. Then he hooked up some kind of electricity/energy source (I have no idea the technical term) that made my legs and back feel a vibrating sensation. He also put this warm heat lamp on my back and let me relax, aka lay there, for 15-20 minutes. When he came back be put several needles in my stomach and handles, and then took this warm cigar-looking piece and warmed up the needles around my stomach. My job was to work on my breathing; this consists of making my tummy as large as I can, next filling up my chest and then slowly let out the air in my chest, followed by my stomach. This is quite a task for me. Who knew breathing could be such a challenge? It was quite interesting but David feels very confident that he can get my lining up. I go back two more times in the next week or so before I have my ultrasound.
So that's life right now... Nothing too interesting but I am enjoying it! I do have a request: a friend of mine is going through the IVF cycle right now and could use our prayers. The process is emotionally and physically exhausting. Pray for a successful cycle with minimal nausea and no worries! Thanks y'all!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
3rd Anniversary
Yesterday we celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Because John is traditional with everything in life, it seemed only fitting that we would start the traditional anniversary gifts once we got married. The first year (paper) I created an itinerary book for a surprise trip to Charleston. I was studying abroad in England during our actual first anniversary so we facetime'dso before I left he had sweet cards and notes around our apartment and ended up giving me a third wedding band.
The second year (cotton) we bought a pottery barn bed set with pillows and all - yes this was my idea. And then John took me on a surprise picnic to The Cotton Mill. That year we also took a vacation to Dominican Republic.
This year (leather) was a bit tricky. We thought we had it all figured out: we would get a new car (leather seats) and take a trip to Savannah. Well, with IVF costing so much we decided last minute to save the money, forgo the car and cancel our trip. So yesterday John spread out cards throughout the day, got me all kinds of flowers, took me to The Melting Pot for dinner (my favorite), exchanged gifts and just spent time together. Everything was perfect!
And you know how they say the longer you are married, the more you start to think alike? Well, it's happening. Although we didn't both use the same exact verse, we both pulled our bible scriptures for the other from Song of Solomon. I actually thought it was cute, especially since John pointed it out. :) He definitely outdid me again this year...
Here is what I got John: a Col. Littleton belt that I knew he would love, which he did, but it didn't have any sweet story behind it - other than his friend had one and he said how much he loved it so I had to search around to find one! No big deal though...
Well, then John blows me out of the water with his sweet, thoughtful gift... Of course! He has such a sweet heart. He purchased an old antique wine box and started a new tradition. Each year we write a note to one another and put a bottle of wine in the box, and then each year on our anniversary we read the notes, celebrate with wine, and write new notes. I know... Just close your mouth and know its completely okay to be jealous! See below. :)
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Eat, Pray and Love
Today was such a great day for me. A friend whom I have been thinking about lately but haven't talked to since undergrad, called. We spent a lot of time catching up via phone and I found out that her and her husband were blessed with a little girl about 20 months ago. Her call was such a blessing and I can't wait to meet up for lunch next week!
Also, today I had my first acupuncture treatment. I have been hesitant about this since John and I first realized getting pregnant wasn't going to be an easy journey but many of my friends have said it worked for them so it's worth a try to me. Not to mention, reading other blogs and infertility experiences, many women claim it has done wonders for their lining. At this point I decided anything was worth a try; I mean if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and I move on to the next thing - whatever that may be. John, on the other hand, thinks I am doing voodoo but is extra supportive if it makes me feel better. He is a "kidder" and uses this as a way to make me laugh.... After all, laughter is the best medicine!
The appointment actually wasn't bad at all. We spent a lot of time discussing my diet. Long story short, I need to cut out my favorite foods: dairy, sugar and wheat. And.... Eat more vegetables. Worst.news.ever. Although I have been trying extra hard lately to eat more vegetables, I was never expecting to change over my diet to 75% veggies. Oh the things you do for love...
During the rest of the visit we talked about my stress levels. He encouraged me to continue to do the things I find relaxing and enjoyable, which would include sewing, reading, and cooking, to name a few. If i had more money I would include shopping on that list but all this has completely taken shopping out of my vocabulary. However, David did tell me that if I enjoy running, I should continue to do it, just in moderation (the doctors had told me to maybe try walks so that my weight doesn't continue to drop). David, the acupuncturist, also said I should take up yoga and some other similar form of exercise that I forgot the name of; lucky for me my neighborhood hired a yoga instructor to come do yoga by the pool once a week! I can't wait to start. :)
After a lot of discussion and filling in David about every part of my life and story, the needlework began. Because it was my first visit he only put in about 15 needles; some in my feet, lower legs, hands, and even one between my eye brows (strange, I know but just go with it). He coached me on breathing and internal meditation and even gave me a shoulder and neck massage. Surprisingly, nothing hurt but I did feel a tingling sensation in my legs. The rest of the experience was very relaxing. I am not completely sure I am believe in acupuncture but I am trying to embrace every aspect of it and give it a try. If anything, I enjoy the extra time to engage in prayer, reflect on life, relax, and learn to better my diet.
:) Until next time..... Eat, pray and love! (Just seemed appropriate)
Also, today I had my first acupuncture treatment. I have been hesitant about this since John and I first realized getting pregnant wasn't going to be an easy journey but many of my friends have said it worked for them so it's worth a try to me. Not to mention, reading other blogs and infertility experiences, many women claim it has done wonders for their lining. At this point I decided anything was worth a try; I mean if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and I move on to the next thing - whatever that may be. John, on the other hand, thinks I am doing voodoo but is extra supportive if it makes me feel better. He is a "kidder" and uses this as a way to make me laugh.... After all, laughter is the best medicine!
The appointment actually wasn't bad at all. We spent a lot of time discussing my diet. Long story short, I need to cut out my favorite foods: dairy, sugar and wheat. And.... Eat more vegetables. Worst.news.ever. Although I have been trying extra hard lately to eat more vegetables, I was never expecting to change over my diet to 75% veggies. Oh the things you do for love...
During the rest of the visit we talked about my stress levels. He encouraged me to continue to do the things I find relaxing and enjoyable, which would include sewing, reading, and cooking, to name a few. If i had more money I would include shopping on that list but all this has completely taken shopping out of my vocabulary. However, David did tell me that if I enjoy running, I should continue to do it, just in moderation (the doctors had told me to maybe try walks so that my weight doesn't continue to drop). David, the acupuncturist, also said I should take up yoga and some other similar form of exercise that I forgot the name of; lucky for me my neighborhood hired a yoga instructor to come do yoga by the pool once a week! I can't wait to start. :)
After a lot of discussion and filling in David about every part of my life and story, the needlework began. Because it was my first visit he only put in about 15 needles; some in my feet, lower legs, hands, and even one between my eye brows (strange, I know but just go with it). He coached me on breathing and internal meditation and even gave me a shoulder and neck massage. Surprisingly, nothing hurt but I did feel a tingling sensation in my legs. The rest of the experience was very relaxing. I am not completely sure I am believe in acupuncture but I am trying to embrace every aspect of it and give it a try. If anything, I enjoy the extra time to engage in prayer, reflect on life, relax, and learn to better my diet.
:) Until next time..... Eat, pray and love! (Just seemed appropriate)
Monday, July 15, 2013
Post Op
First off, we would like to just say thank you for your diligent prayers and sweet messages today. Your prayers are working!
This morning John and I headed to my post op appointment and we left the office feeling more positive and comforted than we (mostly I) have in awhile! Doctor C went over results, and conclusions with us and here is what we found out: the laparoscopic portion of my surgery was great. There was no sign of any scarring, endometriosis, my ovaries looked great, my tubes looked great, and my uterus looked healthy. Dr. C said after looking at the pictures and her notes that the dye was put in my tubes before the pictures were taken and since the dye did not go through my tubes it expanded my uterus. She feels very confident that this is the reasoning behind the shape at the time of pictures and that I do not have aydenmyosis, especially since I do not or have not had any symptoms.
Next, we discussed the hysterscopic part of my surgery. Dr. C began by saying that the inside of my uterus was rather abnormal. When you first enter you should be able to see the tube openings (Ostia) but in my case she couldn't identify them at all. In addition she saw this webbing substance. As she started to remove part of the webbing substance she was able to identify where she thought the ostia may be; she eluded to the fact that she poked around but did not try to reopen my tubes. There is no clear explanation for why they are closed - it could just be the way I was born or some unforeseen thing that has happened. We asked if the webbing was sent to pathology and after examining reports she shared that the webbing was actually normal uterine tissue, Horray! Dr. C continuously shared how great it was that there was no sign of scar tissue because since I did not have any endometriosis, infection, d&c, etc, there should have been no reason for scar tissue and that would have left us with more unanswered questions. She also said she was sure to do no scraping or burning of my endometrium because that can cause scar tissue and would not be good for my situation. However, we still have to work on my lining before we get to do IVF. Dr. C said she would check my lining today but didn't really expect to see much growth; she said that this could possibly be because she was just in my uterus removing stuff. Soooo we went into the ultrasound room feeling like there was no hope for a lining....
I enter the room and I am immediately asked to empty my bladder. I do as I am told and stay just a few minutes longer to say a prayer (aka plead) for some good news. I had told the doc that I started taking baby aspirin because I had read it can increase blood flow but she didn't really seem to think that would make a difference. Well.... during the ultrasound she found that my lining had grown to 3.6mm AND had a trilaminar shape! Let's be honest, an embryo needs anywhere from 6-11mm, preferably 9-10mm to implant but this was huge progress in about a weeks time AND I don't think my lining ever had the trilaminar shape before. Dr. C seemed impressed at our progress, so much so that she gave me a print out of the ultrasound: this has never happened in all 100ish ultrasounds I have had!!
So what's next? I am on 10 days of progesterone to induce a period. 2 weeks after the first day of my period I go in for an ultrasound. Meanwhile, I am to take 3 pills of oral estrogen and 1 suppository (I know, ew, gross). Oh yes, and we have got to come up with $12,000-$15,000. This means we need you to continue to pray for peace, comfort, hope, and progress!
Thanks for your love and support! Xoxo
This morning John and I headed to my post op appointment and we left the office feeling more positive and comforted than we (mostly I) have in awhile! Doctor C went over results, and conclusions with us and here is what we found out: the laparoscopic portion of my surgery was great. There was no sign of any scarring, endometriosis, my ovaries looked great, my tubes looked great, and my uterus looked healthy. Dr. C said after looking at the pictures and her notes that the dye was put in my tubes before the pictures were taken and since the dye did not go through my tubes it expanded my uterus. She feels very confident that this is the reasoning behind the shape at the time of pictures and that I do not have aydenmyosis, especially since I do not or have not had any symptoms.
Next, we discussed the hysterscopic part of my surgery. Dr. C began by saying that the inside of my uterus was rather abnormal. When you first enter you should be able to see the tube openings (Ostia) but in my case she couldn't identify them at all. In addition she saw this webbing substance. As she started to remove part of the webbing substance she was able to identify where she thought the ostia may be; she eluded to the fact that she poked around but did not try to reopen my tubes. There is no clear explanation for why they are closed - it could just be the way I was born or some unforeseen thing that has happened. We asked if the webbing was sent to pathology and after examining reports she shared that the webbing was actually normal uterine tissue, Horray! Dr. C continuously shared how great it was that there was no sign of scar tissue because since I did not have any endometriosis, infection, d&c, etc, there should have been no reason for scar tissue and that would have left us with more unanswered questions. She also said she was sure to do no scraping or burning of my endometrium because that can cause scar tissue and would not be good for my situation. However, we still have to work on my lining before we get to do IVF. Dr. C said she would check my lining today but didn't really expect to see much growth; she said that this could possibly be because she was just in my uterus removing stuff. Soooo we went into the ultrasound room feeling like there was no hope for a lining....
I enter the room and I am immediately asked to empty my bladder. I do as I am told and stay just a few minutes longer to say a prayer (aka plead) for some good news. I had told the doc that I started taking baby aspirin because I had read it can increase blood flow but she didn't really seem to think that would make a difference. Well.... during the ultrasound she found that my lining had grown to 3.6mm AND had a trilaminar shape! Let's be honest, an embryo needs anywhere from 6-11mm, preferably 9-10mm to implant but this was huge progress in about a weeks time AND I don't think my lining ever had the trilaminar shape before. Dr. C seemed impressed at our progress, so much so that she gave me a print out of the ultrasound: this has never happened in all 100ish ultrasounds I have had!!
So what's next? I am on 10 days of progesterone to induce a period. 2 weeks after the first day of my period I go in for an ultrasound. Meanwhile, I am to take 3 pills of oral estrogen and 1 suppository (I know, ew, gross). Oh yes, and we have got to come up with $12,000-$15,000. This means we need you to continue to pray for peace, comfort, hope, and progress!
Thanks for your love and support! Xoxo
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Loyalty
This weekend was exactly what we have needed lately. Friday night John and I went with our neighbors to a comedy competition at Charlie Goodnights; we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. It was perfect and we had a blast. John mentioned that we will certainly have to start making this a frequent date-night!
Saturday my mom, dad, sister, and grandma came up to celebrate my birthday. It was rainy out so we spent the day inside playing Catchphrase (best.game.ever). Team, "two and a half men" won practically every round but Mom, Grandma, and I had a blast trying. We had a great lunch and I opened gifts. I was surprised with Godiva chocolate, a Nora Fleming platter, and two minis (see below)! We love to host at our house so I am always excited about new platters! Later in the evening we had dinner and brownies before everyone left to go home. It's always so sad to see them leave.
Because it's summertime and John and I spend many of our weekends at the beach, we haven't been going to church services every Sunday like we typically do. Thankfully, we were able to go this weekend because I sure have missed it! This Sunday was really no different from any other service, other than the fact I cried almost the entire way through. Hormones? Life circumstances? Who knows. At one point our pastor was discussing how many new babies we have had in church lately. He goes on to mention something about a fairy visiting people at night with babies and I lost it; oh, how I wish that fairy would visit us....
The theme for our current church series is called the Superheroes of the Bible; today's service focused on Ruth and her loyalty to Naomi. Luckily, I had studied Ruth in a women's bible study last year so I had quite a bit of background knowledge of her story. Naomi lost her husband and two sons, one of which was married to Ruth. Naomi told Ruth and Orpah, her daughter-in-laws, to return home to their mothers so they could continue their life and basically, find a new husband. Orpah went home (which was expected of her) but Ruth said, "No, where you go, I go; where you live, I will live. I will love the God you love." Ruth's loyalty continues to shine as Naomi and Ruth travel to Bethlehem. I encourage you to continue to read the rest of Ruth's story - it's a short, but great one and the perfect example of loyalty!
So I am sure you are thinking... where are you going with this? Our pastor shared examples of loyalty choices we may make within life and the whole time I continued to think about the man sitting beside of me. He has a wife who may not be able to carry the children we always talked about having. A wife who is struggling with her purpose in life. Am I a disappointment to him? Am I still the wife he aways dreamed of? In my head I have continued to ask myself why he would possibly still want to be married to me? Well today's church service just reaffirmed every sweet -unprompted- message John continues to share with everyday..... when we got married almost three years ago he made a commitment to be loyal to me, to love me in sickness or in health, until death do us part. He loves me for me and not because of what I can or can't do. His love is true and unconditionally and he is loyal. This is a worry and stress I should never have even let be a worry or a stress. Let it go, Ashley!
Isn't it amazing how God puts the right message in your life at the right time? He is so good!
So tomorrow is the day we go in for my post op. The doctor will check my lining to see if the estrogen patches have helped at all and we will discuss our next steps. We are asking all of our prayer warriors to pray hard tonight for some good news. We need it! :)
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Because when it rains...
Because when it rains, it pours.... BUT there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm!
Today I had my first root canal. :( As if we needed to spend $1500 with all of the other expenses we have had lately and all the ones we have approaching. For those of you who haven't had the joy of experiencing this procedure, it was about three and a half hours of holding my mouth wide open AND because my tooth was so far back, the dental assistant had the hardest time getting the x-rays done mid-procedure. Three weeks from now I go for a two hour appointment to get fitted for my crown and then three weeks from that appointment they will put the crown on [my tooth]. See, I really am a princess!
So even though part of the day was daunting I had the best evening celebrating my birthday eve with my in-laws. My mother-in-law (MIL) made ribs, corn, asparagus and banana cake; everything was delicious. And in the present room (also known to some as the formal living room) I found my very own iPad mini in a cute polka dotted bag. I am putting it to great use right now!
I can't believe in just a few short hours I will be turning 26 years old. Although I know how young I truly am, it astounds me to realize that I am really turning 26! Where did time go? I am looking forward to what God has in store for me this next year. He never ceases to amaze me with rainy days -some with lots of storms- that I never understand but He always ends them with a rainbow and a life lesson.
Cheers to my last couple of hours of being 25!
Today I had my first root canal. :( As if we needed to spend $1500 with all of the other expenses we have had lately and all the ones we have approaching. For those of you who haven't had the joy of experiencing this procedure, it was about three and a half hours of holding my mouth wide open AND because my tooth was so far back, the dental assistant had the hardest time getting the x-rays done mid-procedure. Three weeks from now I go for a two hour appointment to get fitted for my crown and then three weeks from that appointment they will put the crown on [my tooth]. See, I really am a princess!
So even though part of the day was daunting I had the best evening celebrating my birthday eve with my in-laws. My mother-in-law (MIL) made ribs, corn, asparagus and banana cake; everything was delicious. And in the present room (also known to some as the formal living room) I found my very own iPad mini in a cute polka dotted bag. I am putting it to great use right now!
I can't believe in just a few short hours I will be turning 26 years old. Although I know how young I truly am, it astounds me to realize that I am really turning 26! Where did time go? I am looking forward to what God has in store for me this next year. He never ceases to amaze me with rainy days -some with lots of storms- that I never understand but He always ends them with a rainbow and a life lesson.
Cheers to my last couple of hours of being 25!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Thankful
I can't believe it has already been one week since the surgery. Just when I feel like things are getting physically easier, things seem to go down hill. Today the right of my belly button all the way up to my ribs started hurting again. I can't stand for very long, lift things, take a deep breath, or really move a lot without feeling it. I finally decided to e-mail the doctor about it since the spot hurting is not close to any of the organs focused on during the surgery. My plan is to try to take it easy the rest of the week so that I can completely heal!
Emotionally, I feel everything under the sun. Most of the time I feel as though I am my normal, happy, peppy self, but sometimes I am overcome by a feeling of emptiness and sadness. John will be the first to vouch that I am not one to just randomly cry, and I am not really sure it's one thing or another that makes me cry; sometimes, something seems to just hit me that there is a chance I may never be able to carry a child of my own. I can't even think of adequate words to describe the feeling that this thought leaves me with.
And then there is confusion. There are just so many unanswered questions. My biggest battle is patience.... I have to wait to talk with the doctor (7 days!!!), I have to wait to see if this medicine works -- and if it doesn't, I have to try something new. And then we wait for follicles to grow and then we wait to see if they fertilize and then we wait... and then we wait some more... and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT!
I know God has a perfect plan in place for our family and that is what keeps me calm and happy and myself. And John... where do I even begin? This man amazes me more and more everyday. He is so patient when I cry but I think that is because I don't really ever cry. He cuddles me and holds me and wipes my tears and plays with my hair and tells me over and over and over again how everything will be okay. He continuously comforts me with the fact that whether we have a child of our own, adopt, have a surrogate, or just stay with our family of 2, he will be the happiest man alive. And then he prays with me. Sometimes I just watch him pray, noticing that lately they are just a little bit longer than they ever used to be; I can't help but fall deeper in love with him knowing that those prayers are for our family and future. How did I get so lucky?
Of all the feelings I have felt lately.. mostly I just feel thankful. I have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ask for. Phone calls, text messages, dinners, flowers, cards, visits, chats, laughs, prayers, and more..... yall are phenomenal! I have never felt more loved in my life. Thank you all for your support during this journey. I can only hope I can be just as great of a friend to you all!
xoxo
God is so good! Pray on!!!
ps - We could have an exciting announcement in a couple of weeks. (Obviously, I am not pregnant! But the next best thing!) And don't ask because I can't tell. :)
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Once upon a time...
FYI... this is a long post!
7 years ago I walked up to the neighborhood pool with the kids I was babysitting, signed in with the cute lifeguard and my life forever changed. That cute lifeguard flirted his way to my heart and -thankfully- never left. :) Four years of college, grad school, four years of teaching, and our first home purchase, here we are happily celebrating 3 years of marriage and a lifetime ahead of us. Every step leading to our ultimate dream: a family. Life has {practically} been perfect... until now.
A little over a year ago we decided we were going to stop birth control to regulate my body and just see what happens. I remember being on the dance floor at my sister-in-law's wedding thinking, "this may be my last glass of wine for 9 months {insert chuckle}."
John and I love traveling so each year we try to visit some place new. After the wedding we were going to leave reality and head to our own little paradise in the Dominican Republic. Knowing that I come from an extremely fertile family I was sure this seeing what happens thing wasn't going to last long. I mean my maternal grandmother is one of 13, my mom one of 5, my dad one of 8, and my sister and I are one of 30+ cousins. John's family isn't really lacking in children either.
So a month later, here I was... LATE. Anxiously, I headed to the store to get a test, hurried to back home, and........ are you ready for it?...... a big fat -negative-! WHAT? I couldn't believe it but I continued to tell myself that I wasn't going to worry or stress. So life continued....
Four months later there was still no period and I knew it was time to contact my gyn. After our first visit together my doctor checked my blood work (it all came back clear) and initiated a progesterone challenge to try to induce bleeding. Ten days of pills and I had 12 days of very light spotting. From this my gyn suggested I had something called hypothalamic amenorrhea; basically, my bmi was too low and I needed to gain weight in order to get my body back on track. So my next job was to gain weight. I used an app called "My Fitness Pal", ate 2300+ calories a day, and slowly started gaining some weight. A couple of months later... still no period.
After several trips to see my gyn and no changes, she suggested it was time to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). These are not the words I wanted to hear. Going to see a fertility specialist meant I had a problem... there was something "wrong" with me. I had refused to tell anyone about any of the "issues" we had been facing because I was embarrassed. I felt ashamed and less of a woman. All of my life I have spent preparing and dreaming of being a mommy. Thankfully, I have the most amazing and supportive husband of all. He has been my rock through this journey. His encouraging words, the way he prays for -and with- me every night, his hope, his spirit, and his faith keep me falling in love with him over and over again each day.
A couple of months later I was finally brave enough to face the fact that I needed to go see the specialist. The first visit wasn't bad at all; in fact, we left feeling more hopeful then ever. Our RE told us that my husband was SUPERB and way above average (why, of course he is!) and my blood work was outstanding. She said she hadn't seen a patient with a good thyroid or Vitamin D level in ages, and my age was another factor we had going for us. My AMH (egg count level) was extremely high, which meant I had a ton of eggs and could also be a sign of PCOS. No big deal, she would just start me on hormone shots, make me ovulate, and get me pregnant. Sounds pretty simple, right?
A couple of weeks of shots and I had a couple of follicles growing. My estrogen levels and blood work looked great, but my lining was still extremely thin. When it was time to take the ovidrel, a shot that would make me ovulate, my lining was only at a 4.2 and it needed to be at least an 8. The doctor told us that there was a SLIM, SLIM, SLIM chance of getting pregnant but we would try anyway since we had already spent so much time and money on this round of shots. I was feeling rather downhearted but still, with a lot of prayers we were sure a miracle could happen.
Two weeks later it was time to take a test. At this point we still hadn't told anyone about what we were going through. We were hoping that this would work and we would be able to plan some big, creative, surprise! Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the time we got to surprise anyone. The test was another negative. I called the doctor to see what our next step would be. They put me on estrogen pills, 3 a day, for 10 days and told me to come in on the 10th day for an ultrasound and HSG. The HSG would be a 5 minute, no anesthesia, easy procedure; basically, they were using it as a rule-out procedure.
10 days later, I took a half day off of work and headed to the doctor. I told John this was no big deal and to not worry about taking off of work this time. So here I go, first appointment: ultrasound. The estrogen test was a big fact FAIL. My lining was only a 4.6. :( What in the world?
Okay, on to appointment 2: HSG. Again, the doctor said this would be a simple, easy, painless procedure. Wrong, again. :( From the time they started to the time they finished, the pain was excruciating. And to make matters worse, when they were done with the procedure they doctor said, "I am sorry it took so long but it wasn't normal." He proceeded to then explain that I had a filling defect in my uterus and no dye went through my tubes. I was devastated, but thankful I had scheduled time after this appointment to talk through the results with the doctor.
Appointment 3: Doctor-to-patient chat. The hardest part about this appointment is that my doctor was stunned and really had no answers, except surgery. She said it seemed as though there might be scar tissue in my uterus but she had no idea how that could be; I had never had any kind of surgery, never had a child, or any other medical reason that would make sense. There was just no explanation and the only way she could really figure out what was going on was to do laproscopic and hysterscopic procedures. There are only three words to describe me at this point: a.hot.mess. I had never had surgery before in my life, why now?
School finally let out for the summer, John and I took a ten day vacation to the beach, and it was time for surgery. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I was going to be because I had the best support team waiting for me: family and friends. The surgery encouraged us to open up and share our story with our families and friends. Sharing our struggles has been one of the best things we have ever done.
Well, what came of the surgery? Positives: I have a ton of eggs, outside of my ovaries, uterus and tubes looked great. On the other hand, my uterus is globular shaped but the doctor doesn't really have any answers for why. It is consistent with something called adenomyosis but, like everything else, I don't have a lot of the symptoms that go along with that diagnosis. There was no scar tissue in my uterus but there was a webbing that the doctor hadn't seen before. She teased that away. And, for the biggest bummer... she couldn't find any opening to my tubes, another instance she had never seen before. So at the end of the day.. really no answers. However, the doctor seemed pretty confident that IVF will work. That's another story for a different day.
So, here we am three days after surgery starting this blog to keep family and friends updated. Our story is a long one to tell and it's easier to update everyone at once. Not to mention, I have found that there are more people who have trouble out there than I ever realized. John and I have found some of the deepest friendships and glimpses of hope through our friends who have shared their story. We hope that our story can make a difference, too!
7 years ago I walked up to the neighborhood pool with the kids I was babysitting, signed in with the cute lifeguard and my life forever changed. That cute lifeguard flirted his way to my heart and -thankfully- never left. :) Four years of college, grad school, four years of teaching, and our first home purchase, here we are happily celebrating 3 years of marriage and a lifetime ahead of us. Every step leading to our ultimate dream: a family. Life has {practically} been perfect... until now.
A little over a year ago we decided we were going to stop birth control to regulate my body and just see what happens. I remember being on the dance floor at my sister-in-law's wedding thinking, "this may be my last glass of wine for 9 months {insert chuckle}."
John and I love traveling so each year we try to visit some place new. After the wedding we were going to leave reality and head to our own little paradise in the Dominican Republic. Knowing that I come from an extremely fertile family I was sure this seeing what happens thing wasn't going to last long. I mean my maternal grandmother is one of 13, my mom one of 5, my dad one of 8, and my sister and I are one of 30+ cousins. John's family isn't really lacking in children either.
So a month later, here I was... LATE. Anxiously, I headed to the store to get a test, hurried to back home, and........ are you ready for it?...... a big fat -negative-! WHAT? I couldn't believe it but I continued to tell myself that I wasn't going to worry or stress. So life continued....
Four months later there was still no period and I knew it was time to contact my gyn. After our first visit together my doctor checked my blood work (it all came back clear) and initiated a progesterone challenge to try to induce bleeding. Ten days of pills and I had 12 days of very light spotting. From this my gyn suggested I had something called hypothalamic amenorrhea; basically, my bmi was too low and I needed to gain weight in order to get my body back on track. So my next job was to gain weight. I used an app called "My Fitness Pal", ate 2300+ calories a day, and slowly started gaining some weight. A couple of months later... still no period.
After several trips to see my gyn and no changes, she suggested it was time to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). These are not the words I wanted to hear. Going to see a fertility specialist meant I had a problem... there was something "wrong" with me. I had refused to tell anyone about any of the "issues" we had been facing because I was embarrassed. I felt ashamed and less of a woman. All of my life I have spent preparing and dreaming of being a mommy. Thankfully, I have the most amazing and supportive husband of all. He has been my rock through this journey. His encouraging words, the way he prays for -and with- me every night, his hope, his spirit, and his faith keep me falling in love with him over and over again each day.
A couple of months later I was finally brave enough to face the fact that I needed to go see the specialist. The first visit wasn't bad at all; in fact, we left feeling more hopeful then ever. Our RE told us that my husband was SUPERB and way above average (why, of course he is!) and my blood work was outstanding. She said she hadn't seen a patient with a good thyroid or Vitamin D level in ages, and my age was another factor we had going for us. My AMH (egg count level) was extremely high, which meant I had a ton of eggs and could also be a sign of PCOS. No big deal, she would just start me on hormone shots, make me ovulate, and get me pregnant. Sounds pretty simple, right?
A couple of weeks of shots and I had a couple of follicles growing. My estrogen levels and blood work looked great, but my lining was still extremely thin. When it was time to take the ovidrel, a shot that would make me ovulate, my lining was only at a 4.2 and it needed to be at least an 8. The doctor told us that there was a SLIM, SLIM, SLIM chance of getting pregnant but we would try anyway since we had already spent so much time and money on this round of shots. I was feeling rather downhearted but still, with a lot of prayers we were sure a miracle could happen.
Two weeks later it was time to take a test. At this point we still hadn't told anyone about what we were going through. We were hoping that this would work and we would be able to plan some big, creative, surprise! Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the time we got to surprise anyone. The test was another negative. I called the doctor to see what our next step would be. They put me on estrogen pills, 3 a day, for 10 days and told me to come in on the 10th day for an ultrasound and HSG. The HSG would be a 5 minute, no anesthesia, easy procedure; basically, they were using it as a rule-out procedure.
10 days later, I took a half day off of work and headed to the doctor. I told John this was no big deal and to not worry about taking off of work this time. So here I go, first appointment: ultrasound. The estrogen test was a big fact FAIL. My lining was only a 4.6. :( What in the world?
Okay, on to appointment 2: HSG. Again, the doctor said this would be a simple, easy, painless procedure. Wrong, again. :( From the time they started to the time they finished, the pain was excruciating. And to make matters worse, when they were done with the procedure they doctor said, "I am sorry it took so long but it wasn't normal." He proceeded to then explain that I had a filling defect in my uterus and no dye went through my tubes. I was devastated, but thankful I had scheduled time after this appointment to talk through the results with the doctor.
Appointment 3: Doctor-to-patient chat. The hardest part about this appointment is that my doctor was stunned and really had no answers, except surgery. She said it seemed as though there might be scar tissue in my uterus but she had no idea how that could be; I had never had any kind of surgery, never had a child, or any other medical reason that would make sense. There was just no explanation and the only way she could really figure out what was going on was to do laproscopic and hysterscopic procedures. There are only three words to describe me at this point: a.hot.mess. I had never had surgery before in my life, why now?
School finally let out for the summer, John and I took a ten day vacation to the beach, and it was time for surgery. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I was going to be because I had the best support team waiting for me: family and friends. The surgery encouraged us to open up and share our story with our families and friends. Sharing our struggles has been one of the best things we have ever done.
Well, what came of the surgery? Positives: I have a ton of eggs, outside of my ovaries, uterus and tubes looked great. On the other hand, my uterus is globular shaped but the doctor doesn't really have any answers for why. It is consistent with something called adenomyosis but, like everything else, I don't have a lot of the symptoms that go along with that diagnosis. There was no scar tissue in my uterus but there was a webbing that the doctor hadn't seen before. She teased that away. And, for the biggest bummer... she couldn't find any opening to my tubes, another instance she had never seen before. So at the end of the day.. really no answers. However, the doctor seemed pretty confident that IVF will work. That's another story for a different day.
So, here we am three days after surgery starting this blog to keep family and friends updated. Our story is a long one to tell and it's easier to update everyone at once. Not to mention, I have found that there are more people who have trouble out there than I ever realized. John and I have found some of the deepest friendships and glimpses of hope through our friends who have shared their story. We hope that our story can make a difference, too!
** Happy 4th! We have our freedom because of the brave! **
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