Meet Luke

A little over 2 months ago I sat completely broken and ready for the worst news of my life. In fact, I was so certain I wasn't pregnant that I decided to test that next morning before work so I could start my week off not having to stress about it anymore. Note: This was waaay too early to test; in fact, according to the timeline the egg was supposed to implant on this day, so I didn't even tell John I was going to test.... I anxiously, dreadfully just went for it. Of course, it was a solid "NO" ... however a minute or two later I thought I faintly saw a second line. WHAT??? Someone was playing a horrible joke on me! It couldn't be... I forcefully threw open the bathroom door (waking John from a dead sleep) yelling, "BABE! WAKE UP? WHAT IS THIS? AM I IMAGINING THINGS?" He halfway-still asleep looked at the test and said looks like it may be something but I am not sure... and went back to bed. At this point, I still had no confidence and was sure it was just a fluke. After all, both John and I were convinced this IVF process was going to take multiple times and a lot of convincing of doctors. So I went to work and tried to ignore everything that happened that morning....

 Test 1

At 4:00 I couldn't get out of work soon enough. I rushed to the store and bought a name brand test and sped home (oops!). I gulped down 3 cups of water and went for it...  immediately there were 2 lines! NO FREAKIN WAY!

Test 2

I quickly text John and he too rushed home in utter disbelief and cautious- excitement! Again, the next morning I took another test -the second of the cheapos- and it was another faint line. Hmm... those faint lines are so disheartening. Talk about another day of stress. 

Because I still wasn't convinced I went back to the store and bought one of the digital tests. Got home and after a 2-3 minute wait (those things take forever to process.. UGH)... PREGNANT and 1-2 weeks past ovulation. I still couldn't believe it. The doctor had even emailed me, asked me how things were going and if I had taken any home tests. I think he was just as anxious about me coming in on Thursday for the blood test as I was. 

So Thursday morning came and we couldn't get to the office quick enough. A couple of agonizing hours later (what felt like days...) the nurse called and left a message saying we were VERY pregnant and my levels were amazing! I had to go back and retest in a couple of days in hopes that my levels were multiplying fast enough. Convinced yet? NOPE, sure wasn't! 

A couple of days later another blood test confirmed that we were indeed pregnant. At this point the doctors thought we just may have twins! A week or so later we had our first ultrasound and saw one little sac.  Another week passed and we had our second ultrasound and this time were able to see a little heartbeat. At that moment it was like our hearts had melted right into each other's sweaty palms... we saw our little miracle. A real life miracle. Dr. Meyer even said that it looked like the second embryo implanted but didn't make it. Although we would have loved two, we were so grateful that we still had one growing, healthy heartbeat!

Unfortunately, our tough journey didn't end there. About a week later I started spotting. I was sure I was going to miscarry. In fact, one of the doctors at the clinic (not ours, he was out of town) told us he wouldn't be surprised if we miscarried, not because of the baby but because what our doctor thought was a second implant had turned into a subchorionic hematoma (blood clot in the uterus).  I was devastated but John still had faith. We prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Each day with this baby was another day to be thankful for but I worried more than ever. I was even still taking the digital tests to make sure the numbers were going up!

Needless to say, I spotted for the next 5 or 6 weeks. There were a lot of scary times but our doctor nor the OB doctors seem worried at all. At 7 weeks we were even transferred to our regular OB. Since I was worried we had check-ups each week and things continuously got better and the baby continuously kept growing. Again, John was my rock! He was confident and prayed with me everyday. 

For a current update... because John studied genetics in college, he wanted to get the nuchal translucency test for down syndrome, other trisonomys and heart defects, so we had that last week. Thanks be to God ... everything looked great and was in the normal range. Now here we are almost 13 weeks pregnant and back to the regular 4 week or so check-ups.  Not a day goes by that I don't worry but I am so grateful that we serve an amazing God. A God who works miracles. 

We still live by the verse that stuck with us everyday through this process... 

"For with God, nothing is impossible." Luke 1:37

So... meet Luke, our angel elf! He

has already started watch

over baby Ward. :)

Featured: Baby Ward at 10 weeks

Thank you to everyone who has and continues to pray with us everyday. We truly have the most amazing friends and family.  We are blessed and humbled beyond words!

And to John... you are the best gift God has ever given to me! Thank you for being my rock, my support, my best friend, my encourager, and the love of my life. Hushpuppy (this is what he nicknamed baby) and I love your nightly belly kisses and sweet rubs! You are going to be an amazing father! xoxo

2ww

John and I were able to freeze 9 embryos, which is super exciting! We certainly weren't expecting that number so it was quite a pleasant surprise.

Now we are in what's called the "2 week wait", also known as 2ww in the infertility blog world. The first day or so I had some back cramps but that was really about it until today. Pretty much all throughout today I have had what feels like period cramps, especially if I stand for awhile. And I have had several friends who said when they were pregnant.... they just had a feeling and knew. Unfortunately I feel the same as I do everyday. On yes and I can't forget the night sweats from the exuberating amount of hormones in my body right now. And the nightly intramuscular shots John has to give me each night. Sounds fun, huh?

Really... I am dreading everything about Thursday, the blood test day. I dread hearing from the doctor that his next recommendation is a surrogate. I dread fighting for another chance at IVF. I dread finding another doctor if CC won't let us try again. I dread trying to persuade another doctor to try some new research "stuff." I dread the monthly reminder for the next year as we try to recoup the tens of thousands of dollars we have spent this year. I dread another year without our family expanding. And most of all... I dread trying to put all the pieces of my shattered heart back together. All of this is what I feel awaits me on Thursday.

But until Thursday I am going to enjoy every minute of my life hoping and praying for a positive outcome. And I am going to spend every minute praising g God for my amazing husband. He truly is my soulmate and the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because of him I don't have to do this alone. He planned the most fun and special weekend. Friday we went to the Hurricanes hockey game and I got to meet one of the surgeons John works with and his wife. The game was so intense but the Canes ended up losing in overtime. Saturday morning John went to Men's Breakfast at church and had such a great time; he is so cute the way he gets excited that all the men speak to him now. He came home and we walked around the neighborhood to see some of the homes in the Parade of Homes. Then I cooked dinner and we played corn hole with some neighbors. We ended the night gathering with several neighbors and just enjoying each other's company. Then today we went to church and spent the afternoon with our neighbors exploring million dollar homes in Cary. WOW! That's all I have to say about those houses. To end the weekend John got us tickets at the IMAX to see Gravity. We splurged on candy, popcorn and drinks and enjoyed every second of the palm sweating and being on the edge of our seats that came along with the movie. If you haven't seen it... I definitely recommend it.

So now here I am about to head to bed. I will continue to pray that God is performing a miracle right now and know in my heart that it can happen. I pray for peace as we wait and I pray for comfort and love. Goodnight to you! :)

Transfer complete!

This morning I was wide awake at 6:30 am feeling every emotional possible about today's transfer. After an hour of tossing and turning (oh yes, and Candy Crush.. of course)! I decided to get up and start making breakfast. We had some of the fresh sausage I had purchased at the LoMo last weekend, homemade sweet potato biscuits, gravy, and fruit. Talk about stuffed. :) 

At 9:30 we finally headed to CC. Surprisingly, I was feeling great, other than my extremely full bladder which was required for the transfer. Everyone at the office is so warm and kind, and shared how excited they were for us. It made for a great start and made my jittery nerves go away. John and I both got suited up (see below) and waited for our next move. 

Not too long after we got dressed the embryologist came out to talk with us. She said we literally had perfect embryos! And we have at least 5 more amazingly healthy ones to freeze... possibly more but we will know for sure tomorrow. This was such great news! Then, she gave us our own little picture. The top one may look a little funny but she said it was actually a good thing... our embryo had looked just like the one below it but when she walked away to get the picture, it had collapsed. This happens to embryos once they get to a certain size and it just means they are getting close to breaking out of their shell and attaching to the uterine lining. So really, this was a good thing and meant that our little embryos were doing exactly what they were supposed to be doing without needle additional hatching. 

The top embryo was rated a 4AA, which is the highest rating an embryo can get. The bottom was (as of yesterday) a 4AB but she said today it would probably be considered a 4AA... both top quality! It was exactly what John and I wanted and needed to hear. Hopefully this means they will be strong enough to attach and survive my thin little lining!

After admiring the picture of our sweet little embryos, John and I were escorted into the transfer room. Dr. Park did our transfer and every little detail went as smooth as we could have dreamed. I felt so relaxed and really didn't even feel a thing. At one point everyone was so quite and I thought we were waiting on the embryologist so I tried to spark up a conversation, only to find out that the doctor was in the middle of transferring the embryos and needed to be super still. EEEEEKKK! Just my luck... but to be honest, everyone else could see the monitoring screen and what was going on except for me. 

So now we are home and spending the day together. I am trying not to get too excited because I know our odds but we are continuously praying for these sweet little miracles of God every chance we get. My faith is in God... that His hands will hold them in place for 9 months and that John and I will get the chance to raise these babies in a God-filled house. That we will get to read the bible with them every night, teach them the stories of our Awesome God and pray with them as we do with each other. As the doctor said today, success stories with linings this thin are rare BUT we serve an amazing God. Our God can and will do the impossible.

Think sticky thoughts for our little embryos and pray for the peace and comfort for John and I as God reveals his plans for us. 

Pre-transfer jitters

Last night was another night of bloating and complete discomfort. Throughout the past couple of days I have woken up weighing less than I did the night before but not this morning. In fact, my stomach was just as bloated and I weighed just as much as I did last night. John and I headed to the doctor and found that my ovaries were larger than my uterus and my abdomen was filled with fluid. The doc proceeded to explain they next-to-never see patients who trigger with lupron experience OHSS. Unfortunately, I was one of the lucky few who have and the only way to help alleviate the pain was insert a needle through my female part and drain the fluid.

To say painful was an understatement. I typically don't mind needles but this hurt so bad. Thankfully, I started feeling instant relief once the fluid started draining. The doctor ended up getting over a liter (close to 1200 cc) of fluid from my abdomen. My instructions were to lay low today, drink lots of gatorade and eat a protein-rich diet. Sadly, the fluid will probably return by tonight but it shouldn't be as  bad and should continue to get better throughout the week. Hopefully I will be able to go back to work on Wednesday!

On another note, the doctor checked my lining today. John and I agreed that at first he seemed very optimistic that it was at an optimal thickness, however it was only 4.5 I asked about the 5.6 measurement last week and he said that he thinks the doctor who did that ultrasound over-estimated. :( He did say my lining looked healthy though and that I have a ton of great embryos, so we will see what happens after the transfer tomorrow.

Today's devotional:

 

Again, another instance of God's perfect timing. God is with me, taking care of me. I should not fear the future because it is HIS to handle. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.... Do not get distracted by future concerns. I sure did need to hear all of those words today! 

Couch-rest

This weekend John went with the men's group at church on a fishing retreat to the beach. Friday night I spent curled up in excruciating pain from my OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) but I really wanted John to go on the trip so I insisted he go. Saturday morning was better but throughout the day the fluid builds up again and the cycle continues. Besides being huge and bloated, my stomach feels like I am constantly pushing it out and sometimes even have sharp pains. There is no position that makes it feel better and sometimes Vicodin will help with the pain. Then today I started feeling super nauseated; thankfully, I had Zofran on hand which seems to help.

On Saturday a wonderful friend from work came over and spent the afternoon with me. We walked to the LoMo Market that stops in my neighborhood and got some delicious fresh fresh fruits, veggies, eggs, and meat. Although the distance was short, this was quite a journey for me and towards the end of the walk my stomach started becoming a little painful. However, Kira brought the most delicious chocolate cake, which always makes everything better! We had pizza, watched football and movies and had a great girls night!

This morning my plan was to go to church, however last night was another night of excruciating pain and little sleep.  I called the nurses line and after speaking with the doctor I am to come in first thing tomorrow morning. My hope is that they will drain the fluid... Not that I want a needle stuck in my abdomen but instant relief sounds good to me. As far as I know I have been told that this should not affect the transfer or pregnancy. Weeew!

Since I didn't make it to church my plan is to listen to the sermon  today when it is posted online. I believe today's message is supposed to be about life. How perfect right? And another good friend from work sent me the most perfect devotional this morning. God's timing is perfect. This is the verse focused on in the devotional :

"Now to him who is able to do far more than all that we ask

or think, according to the power artwork within us,

to him be glory in the church and in Jesus Christ 

throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen"

-Ephesians 3:20-21

God is so good. In fact, the embryologist called this morning and said that all 19 embryos are looking perfect! She was quite impressed with our numbers and the quality, however she did remind us that the numbers will decline some by Tuesday. In addition to the transfer, we should also still have some to freeze.  Because of my age and the current quality of our embryos she asked if we had thought about transferring one but because of my lining John and I have decided that we want to transfer two embryos. If we have twins then God will provide financially, emotionally and physically everything we need to raise our children. We will be grateful for any blessings.

We continue to pray every night for our Ward embryos and for God to continue to prepare my body for Tuesday. We are so grateful for the positives and are trying to stay hopeful and stress free. We are forever thankful for your prayers and messages and visits!

The good and the bad

The embryologist called this morning and shared that we had 23 mature eggs... Woo how! Any number greater than 50% is good! And of the 23 mature eggs, 19 fertilized! Another woo hoo! She was very impressed with those numbers and scheduled our transfer for Tuesday morning at 10:15. A 5 day transfer is the best and means you have strong embryos. Hopefully they continue to grow well and stay strong so we can stick with our 5 day transfer!

This was such great news! I emailed Dr. Meyer who was also extremely happy but then put me right back in my place. He said if this doesn't work then our new step is surrogate since he knows the issue is my endometrium. After many discussions John and I have had lately, I finally told Dr. Meyer that because  he has seen pregnancies with linings like mine that even if this cycle doesn't work we will not go to surrogacy, just yet. Instead we want to try IVF again.  However, I feel so much pressure now.

Along with emotional pressure the nurse told me today that I am having symptoms of ovarian hyper stimulation (OHSS). OHSS happens when the eggs are taken out of your ovaries, which are already swollen and they fill up with fluid, along with your abdomen. In some cases you have to go get the fluid drained. OHSS happens to people with a lot of follicles (me), thin (me), and PCOS (me). However, I was on the Lupron trigger which is supposed to avoid OHSS so who knows. Sounds like my luck.. I am so bloated that my stomach looks like I am 4 months pregnant and I have literally gained 2 pounds over night. Not to mention I can't stand up straight to walk and I can't lay on my side. I am drinking lots of Gatorade and eating lots of salty foods, like recommended, and hopefully it starts getting better soon. Thankfully it doesn't hinder pregnancy.

Please continue to pray for our growing embryos, that they are strong and healthy. We know the number will dwindle, as the process is an inverted pyramid but we want the healthiest ones so we can have the best chances and end up with some to freeze. We will get another update on Sunday! Also, pray for my OHSS and the pressure I am feeling. I know I just need to give it all to God to handle right now.

-xoxo

Update

I am home! 29 eggs retrieved and tomorrow we find out how many we're mature, how many fertilized and -I think- when/if we will have a transfer.

 Dr. Couchman was actually scheduled to do my retrieval but Dr. Meyer surprised me and came to do it! Overall a good morning, although at first when I got home I was in excruciating pain. After taking 2 Vicodin and a quick nap, it's not quite as bad. Of course it hurts to walk but thankfully my sweet husband is taking care of me.

 I am so anxious about tomorrow but trying to put all my faith and worry in God. I know he has everything worked out perfectly and I need to trust in his plan. Thanks for your continuous prayers. :)

Egg Retrieval

Sorry I did not update the past couple of days. Tuesday was absolutely horrible and everything that could have gone wrong... did. After an emotional breakdown (darn hormones) I picked myself up went to bed and started a yesterday started a new day.

Tuesday night I ended up triggering and in approximately 30 minutes we will head to CC to do my egg retrieval. The nurse who counted my eggs Tuesday said I have too many to count, so please pray for healthy eggs, good fertilization rate, and even better blastocysts. We will find out tomorrow how many fertilized and will be updated Sunday on whether we will (a) have a transfer or (b) if we are having a 3 day or 5 day transfer. Thanks for your prayers!

Happy Friday-eve! :)

As good of a chance as any...

With John working 12 hour shifts these days, it was nice to have him come with me to a monitoring appointment. Because the hospital is so close to CC he always offers to come over but the appointments are always so quick that I just tell him not to worry about it.

This morning Dr. Meyer made a special trip to the office to check on us. We were pleased to find out that my lining has continued to grow and is now a 5.6. This is still on the thin side but he said he has had a woman have triplets with a 5mm lining. And my lining is still looking nice and healthy.

My follicles are still coming along nicely. They aren't quite ready yet, which is a good thing for my lining, so tonight I am doing 2 vials of Menopur, TevTropin, and Antagon. Tomorrow morning I have another monitoring appointment. Dr. Meyer feels I will either be ready to trigger tomorrow or Wednesday which would make my retrieval either Thursday or Friday.

And then...wait for it..... we will get to transfer!!!!!!! In fact, Dr. Meyer actually said that he thinks we have just as good of a chance as anyone else to get pregnant! This is so completely different than anything we have heard in months! Sadly (for us), Dr. Meyer will be on vacation and won't be doing our transfer but he has assured us that we are in good hands no matter what! And even if we don't get pregnant this round, there isn't going to be talk - right away- about a surrogate... we would just try again!

God is amazing. He is a Healer! Thanks be to God!

Monitoring Appointment #2

Ohhh Friday how I have looked forward to you all week!

 John ended up getting food poisoning from a pot luck lunch at work so I have been in OCD cleaning mode. Thankfully he is feeling better but I am completely exhausted. With his new job he has started working 12 hour shifts which means I have to rush home on days that he works so that I can let Harlow out.... so I end up getting to work earlier than normal to make sure I get everything taken care of. Plus my little side business has kept me busy annnnnd on top of that I must get all my wife duties done too (cooking, laundry, packing lunches, dishes, etc).

But I am going to stop complaining because I have a wonderful family and the best job ANNNND we have had so many great things going on this week!

This morning I met with Dr. Meyer to check on my follicles and lining. I have over 20 follicles that are all growing nicely. Those doctors do a great job of making me feel good when they talk about how well my ovaries respond! It's nice to have some positive feedback when I have heard so much negative the past year and a half or so.

As far as my lining goes... it has grown from 3.7 to 4.9mm. Ideally Dr. Meyer said he would like to see it at 8 but he said it was still early and not to worry. He said that he is not as worried about the size of my lining as he is the pattern and shape. He shared that the shape and pattern of my lining look FABULOUS which is what matters most! And there is no evidence of scar tissue, the color looks great, it's triamular, and the shape is good. We are moving forward... Progress is good!!

Tonight I continue on the same medicines but add in the antagon shot to make sure I don't ovulate. My next appointment is Monday morning. This is a big day for us. Dr. Meyer will let us know if we get to transfer or not - he did e-mail me today and said that he thinks we will be able to but he will know more on Monday.

Although we have had a great week with a lot of good news, we need not slow down on our prayers. Thank you all for continuing to send us thoughtful text messages and letting us know you are continuously praying for us. It truly brightens up our days! AND our prayers are being heard.

Monitoring Appointment #1

This morning was my first monitoring session. The nurse started my ultrasound but Dr. Park quickly came in the room to check things out. My lining was a 3.7 but perfect shape and triamular. Dr. Meyer actually discussed my case with Dr. Park today and took the time to email us to let us know that it was the best my lining has looked BY FAR! :) Praise be to God.

My ovaries are coming along great! I was so focused on my lining that I didn't think to ask how many follicles there were but both the nurse and doctor said my ovaries were coming along beautifully. I did read that Tev Tropin (the growth hormone) can minimize the amount of follicles a woman produces but thankfully my AMH is so high that it should bring me to the right amount of follicles and minimize my chances of hyper-stimulating.

My next appointment is Friday. The doctors are thinking I may trigger on Monday and have the egg retrieval early next week. Keep your prayers coming! Our God is Healer!

New job!

At the end of last {school} year my principal and I applied for a Technology Facilitator grant that Wake County was proposing. The deal was that all applicants were going to have to wait until July 1st to see if it would pass the budget. July 1st came around and, of course, there were a ton of budget issues. It wasn't until a little over a week ago that my principal got word that the position had gone through and we had been one of the 30 schools selected for the grant. We were ecstatic! Unfortunately, this doesn't mean a pay raise for me but I am excited to be part of this new pilot/grant! My job is now 1/2 technology facilitator/coach and 1/2 technology teacher.

As excited as I am, I am also equally nervous. My nature is to be a perfectionist and I hate to disappoint anyone, especially my boss. I like my expectations laid out for me. The thing about this job is that it's brand new and there are only 30 of us, so I know it's going to be quite a learning experience. My role is to act as a coach to help teachers and our school with technology integration. We want teachers to feel confident in their technology abilities but to have children engaging in technology and 21st century learning. And then I will also have time to fix all of the technical difficulties we have arising daily..... at least I think this is what my new job is supposed to be? Ask me next week, or next month, or even next year and I will probably tell you something different. Whatever the case, I am excited for this new adventure and so very thankful for a wonderful boss who encourages and helps me grow in my professional career!

God is good! :)

Day 1

Where did this week go?! I know where it went... work, 2 cupcake orders, several vinyl orders, wife duties (cooking, cleaning....), two door hangers, and getting everything organized for DAY ONE of IVF, today!

 I ordered my medicines from two different pharmacies, Freedom and Kerr Speciality. Most of them arrived on Wednesday but I waited until Friday morning to check the boxes, only to notice that one of the medicines was not shipped. I quickly got on the phone with Kerr Specialty to see if I could get them over-nighted but the lady said the pharmacy did not ship on Fridays. I was such an emotional mess and start crying on the phone because there was no way I could make it completely to the other side of the county by closing time, even if I left work right after carpool.  I was transferred to the supervising pharmacist who was so sweet and offered to drop it by the Kerr Drug near my house later that evening. Needless to say, this morning I picked up the meds and all was fine! 

John and I spent the rest of the day running all the errands we never have time for: oil change, tailor, JoAnns, getting my retail pharmacy scripts filled, grocery store, and house stuff. We even walked around the mall and my sweetheart of a husband talked me into buying a new dress. There must be something wrong with me? When have I ever needed to be talked into shopping?

Tonight we cooked a delicious dinner together, watched football and enjoyed the fabulous fall-like weather! I made my meds check-list and organized all of the meds. There are only about 2 more meds I won't have until later this week but I feel like I already have my own pharmacy. 

I should have documented the process with pictures tonight while I was mixing vials and prepping needles but it took all my concentration to make sure everything was perfect. The menopur wasn't so bad since I had done a round of it earlier this year; the only real difference was mixing in 3 vials instead of 1. However, the TepTropin was a whole different story. After frustration of not being given the right caps to withdraw the saline to mix with the powder, John's medical background came to the rescue! With his advice I finally was able to get everything mixed and ready to go! Because I had to give myself 2 shots I decided to be brave and try giving one in my stomach (the other I gave in my thigh, like I always have). Now that I have finally been able to put on some weight the stomach shot wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined! 

Day 1 down .... who-knows-how-many-more to go! :) 

To end this post I wanted to share today's devotional. "Receive my peace. It's My continual gift to you. The best way to receive this gift is to sit quietly in My Presence, trusting Me in every area of your life. Quietness and trust accomplish far more than you can imagine: not only in you, but also on earth and in heaven. When you trust Me in a given area, you release the problem or person into My care."

I love this for so many reasons; one being that yesterday in my prayer group the focus was on faith and trusting in God. The leader, a friend and co-worker, said God really had laid it on her heart to make this the focus. It was exactly what I needed and actually on my way home from a friend's jewelry party last night I felt the desire to give all my stress re: this situation to Him! Then this morning I had such a surprise (maybe I will post on that later this week); I truly felt like it was God showing me how putting my problem in His hands will make everything work out perfectly the way He has it planned. 

Today's devotional was just another reminder that I don't have to worry or stress anymore. My job is to praise Him and trust Him... and that's exactly what I am going to do! 

Baseline

All looked well with my baseline ultrasound! No cysts (cysts are apparently not good at all for IVF and they actually go through with it) and ovaries look "fabulous!"  They also did a mock transfer which went well too! Start meds on Saturday! :)

A Promise

Today John and I had our consultation with Dr. Meyers and met with the nicest nurse for our IVF consultation. Dr. Meyer was amazing and shared so much background knowledge with us in regards to his thinking behind his approach to our situation. John and I were so pleased to be able to fully understand why we are going with scenario A vs scenario B. 

However, we were also very overwhelmed at the amount of medicines I will be taking. Pretty much, you could call me a human pin cushion for the next couple of weeks. (hah!) After the appointment, John jokingly suggested I make an excel sheet to document my daily doses... little did he realize I was seriously contemplating the same thing! 

Here is a brief outline of our IVF process starting this week:

Tuesday 9/10

Baseline ultrasound to check to make sure

I don't have any ovarian cysts or problems, and

doing a mock transfer. The mock transfer just allows 

the doctor to understand my body better so that

the actual transfer goes smoothly. I also stop taking

my birth control this day.

Saturday-Tuesday 9/14-9/17

Daily medicines begin.

Menopur (3 vials) injection

TevTropin (growth hormone) injection

2 mg estrace

Wednesday 9/18

Go in for a monitoring visit to see how many

follicules I am producing. Once my follicles

get to 13-14mm I will also add in Ganirelix shots to 

make sure I don't ovulate. The goal would be to get

10-20 follicules that are between 16-18 mm without 

overstimulating my mass amount of eggs.

2-4 Days Later

I will stop the other injections and begin a Lupron

injection. This is to help make sure I 

don't hyper-stimulate and to increase my LH

and FSH. 

36 Hours Later

I will go in for the egg retrieval. I will be put under local anesthesia 

and then rest for the duration of the day. The embryologists will 

do a sperm wash to get the best swimmers and mix them with 

my eggs. 

1 Day Later

We will find out how many eggs fertilized!! John will 

also start having to give me progesterone shots in my behind. 

Ugh. :( And the needle is super long for this one.

2-4 Days Later

If my lining is fine we will do the transfer either 3 or 5 days 

after the retrieval. Dr. Meyer said if we have 

a good amount of embryos and my lining isn't great he will

still put one in just to see what will happen. In fact,

he said he had a lady have TRIPLETS with a 5mm lining!! 

From here I will continue on Estrace and progesterone shots

and .... wait ... and wait ... and wait ... 

1.5 Weeks later

Pregnancy test. 

So that's our next 3 weeks or so. :) Exciting and nerve-wrecking! I thank God everyday for John! Somehow he finds a way to keep life less stressful and full of hope! Earlier this week we were reading and discussing Hebrews 6:13-20.... God's promise to Abraham. We pondered for awhile on this part of the chapter, 

"We who have fled to take hold of the hope 

set before us may be greatly encouraged. 

We have this hope as an anchor 

for our soul, firm and secure." 

 Abraham's whole story is one to give us hope and peace. What a powerful way for God to share his promise and keep us holding strong! 

Here we go!

The majority of our IVF has been paid for as of last Thursday. Goodbye "life" as we know it -- the Wards will not be able to afford anything fun until we re-coop financially from this absurd amount of medical expenses. 

This Friday we go to the IVF class and meet with Dr. Meyer for our consultation. All we have left to pay for are medicines (which are several thousand), trial transfer, anesthesia during retrieval, and if we have to freeze any eggs. At least, I think that's it.....

Pray for good lining, lots of eggs, and a successful experience!! Thanks for being on TEAM WARD! <3

Ready.Set.Go!

School has started and boy has it taken off. The past week was a complete blur and I am not sure I have ever been so busy before in my life. This weekend John and his dad actually went on an annual fishing trip, which was really good for me so I didn't feel like I was ignoring him as I tried to catch up on work. I even had to go into school this morning before going with a friend to church. I could have spent the entire afternoon at work but decided to do as much work from home as I could, so John and I could hang out.

Not only has school been consuming my life, but our entire infertility route has done a 360. Last week we decided that we were going to go get a second opinion. We made an appointment at UNC and had even been in contact with the doctor. However, this weekend John and I decided to look at the IVF success rates of clinics in the state, only to find that UNC was rated 9 out of 9!! YIKES! Unfortunately, at this time we cannot go to Wake Forest because I can't take that much time off of work, so we decided we were just going to stay with Carolina Conceptions and just try one round of IVF. The doctors feel pretty sure that my lining won't budget but we believe.

This week I start birth control, we sign up for the IVF class, and pay for the cycle. From what we have gathered, I will be on birth control for 2 weeks and then start the menopur. Dr. Meyers (a partner with Dr. Couchman at Carolina) said I will be doing 225cc injections of Menopur and some form of estrogen!! EEEK! Our first cycle of shots I was only on 37.5 and then 75cc and my ovaries started getting excited and producing multiple follicles. Also, the our first cycle they said my lining got anywhere between 4-6mm on with my body's own estrogen SOOO hopefully with more menopur my lining will get where it needs to be and I will have tons of little follicles.

With this said... we need your prayers! Financially and emotionally this is a big deal for us. If my lining doesn't grow Carolina says they will retrieve my eggs and freeze them until we are ready for a surrogate. Of course, John and I aren't ready for that. Financially, it's between $80,000 - $120,000 unless you know someone who will carry your child (which we don't). We will never have that kind of money in our bank account! With that being said, if this doesn't work our next plan is to save up money to go to Wake Forest OR a phenomenal doctor in New York who handles tough cases like ours. 

We are so grateful to have a plan and options AND we are so lucky that we have time on our side. However, this journey has been much harder than I can put into words; especially since the doctors are practically giving up on us if this doesn't work. Thankfully we serve an awesome God... a Healer - One who had a cure before we even knew this problem existed. A God that can provide miracles when doctors say that there is no hope... a God that will never give up.

We thank God that we have an amazing relationship and a powerful support group. But we also are praying for peace .... and hope ..... and comfort .... and our miracle. 

Luke 1:37

So last Monday I went for my lining check and received possibly the most devastating news. My lining was approximately 2.5, which is even lower than the last visit (although Dr. Couchman says it's all relative). Dr. Couchman, who normally shows no emotion, was upset and baffled. Normal estrogen levels range from 30-400 but because of all of the estrogen I have been on, mine was almost 3000!! With this number my uterus should be producing a lining, but for some reason it isn't responding at all. Dr. C suggested we try a week or so more of estrogen to see if my body just takes longer to respond. She doesn't feel it is going to help, but it's worth a try.

A thin endometrium is one of the most under-researched subjects in the fertility field so there just isn't much else to do; however, I read about a study by Dr. Sher where Viagra suppositories were used to help increase the lining of women with thin endometriums. The unfortunate circumstance is that this study was not done with a large group of participants and since, the results have been mixed.

At this point, John and I are willing to try anything. We asked Dr. Couchman if she would be willing to let us try it. Of course, the medication is all out of pocket and we had to get it shipped form a specialty store but at this point, who cares? Dr. Couchman agreed to let us try it but again, she doesn't think it will work. She started me out on one suppository a day for 7 days, although the actual study used 4 a day for 8-11 days.  If one a day doesn't work, then we will probably ask to try the actual dosage used in the study.

More than ever, we need your prayers. We are trying to stay hopeful and after a long discussion last night John and I are not ready to throw in the towel yet. John had some discussions with some of his co-workers at the hospital who recommended seeking a second opinion at a research school like Duke or UNC, so if all fails at Carolina Conceptions, we will probably do that. We are researching and researching and researching for possible alternatives to try before we give up.

Regardless of any doctor saying "this won't work" .... "that won't work" ..... "there are no more options" ... we repeatedly tell each other that in Luke ch 1. verse 37 it says, "For with God, anything is possible." And that's what we believe.

Hope

Since my last post I have had acupuncture treatments two more times. No real "news" there; the treatments have all been extremely similar. Overall, I continue to feel very relaxed, positive and still full of hope. Thursday is the day we go to see if my lining has improved! Pray. Pray. Pray!

Also, I wanted to give a little update on my friend whom I talked about in my last post. She had her egg retrieval today and everything went great! 19 eggs! Continued prayers that the rest of the IVF process goes just as well.

As school (work) is about to start back up I have spent as much time as possible trying to do crafts and decorate the house. My big goal this summer was to make curtains for our room, which I haven't even started, HOWEVER, I did get a chance to paint and redo our entire guest bathroom! Pinterest inspired and all.... I love it!! And I decided to use Photoshop to put up a new bible verse in our kitchen. Every month or two I frame a bible verse in the kitchen so that everyday when I am making John's lunch, cooking, cleaning or what-have-you, I can read the verse and be reminded of God's word. Here is the latest.... it explains my feelings exactly. Everything is in God's hands and I cannot have fear. He has chosen us to go through this journey; He has provided strength, dignity, and laughs to get us through it all. And we can handle it!

 

 To continue with this journey of hope, I met with a co-worker today to help her out with some technology questions she had and she appeared with the most heartfelt and special gift. She had a friend make me this necklace that says "Hope" on one side and a pink heart on the other side. The pink heart she has placed on each of the necklaces that she has had made. It is such a special gift and it made my heart smile in so many ways. How lucky am we to have such remarkable people in our lives? Your support and love and prayers and messages and cards mean the world to us and we can only hope that someday we can return the gratitude you have shared with us.

 I wanted to end this post with the card that my dear co-worker and friend gave me. Her message says it all:

Grace

Lately I have felt such a since of comfort and peace. One of my favorite songs from church says it all, "Grace like rain falls down on me." A friend once told me that when she was going through a similar journey she prayed daily for peace, comfort and hope... so that's what I do. Each morning and every evening I ask God to help me through this journey.  If his plan is for us to adopt then I want to feel peace with that and I want this longing to carry my own child to go away. There have been no tears and less worrisome thoughts. In fact, I feel so hopeful it almost scares me. My faith is in God's immaculate plan. 

Life has been great lately. John and I went to Pinehurst last Friday and enjoyed a day at the spa getting pampered. It was exactly what we needed. The rest of the weekend we spent having corn hole tournaments against one another, grilling out, spending time with friends, and relaxing together. Yesterday, I went to neighborhood yoga and immersed myself in trash tv: in The Bachelorette. How am I ever going to get motivated to go back to work in a couple of weeks?

Today I went for my first full acupuncture session. This session was much different than the last. David started by putting 4 needles in my lower back, two in each leg and two in each foot. Then he hooked up some kind of electricity/energy source (I have no idea the technical term) that made my legs and back feel a vibrating sensation. He also put this warm heat lamp on my back and let me relax, aka lay there, for 15-20 minutes. When he came back be put several needles in my stomach and handles, and then took this warm cigar-looking piece and warmed up the needles around my stomach. My job was to work on my breathing; this consists of making my tummy as large as I can, next filling up my chest and then slowly let out the air in my chest, followed by my stomach. This is quite a task for me. Who knew breathing could be such a challenge? It was quite interesting but David feels very confident that he can get my lining up. I go back two more times in the next week or so before I have my ultrasound.

So that's life right now... Nothing too interesting but I am enjoying it! I do have a request: a friend of mine is going through the IVF cycle right now and could use our prayers. The process is emotionally and physically exhausting. Pray for a successful cycle with minimal nausea and no worries! Thanks y'all!

3rd Anniversary

Yesterday we celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Because John is traditional with everything in life, it seemed only fitting that we would start the traditional anniversary gifts once we got married.  The first year (paper) I created an itinerary book for a surprise trip to Charleston. I was studying abroad in England during our actual first anniversary so we facetime'dso before I left he had sweet cards and notes around our apartment and ended up giving me a third wedding band. 

The second year (cotton) we bought a pottery barn bed set with pillows and all - yes this was my idea. And then John took me on a surprise picnic to The Cotton Mill. That year we also took a vacation to Dominican Republic.

This year (leather) was a bit tricky. We thought we had it all figured out: we would get a new car (leather seats) and take a trip to Savannah. Well, with IVF costing so much we decided last minute to save the money, forgo the car and cancel our trip. So yesterday John spread out cards throughout the day, got me all kinds of flowers, took me to The Melting Pot for dinner (my favorite), exchanged gifts and just spent time together. Everything was perfect! 

And you know how they say the longer you are married, the more you start to think alike? Well, it's happening. Although we didn't both use the same exact verse, we both pulled our bible scriptures for the other from Song of Solomon. I actually thought it was cute, especially since John pointed it out. :) He definitely outdid me again this year...

Here is what I got John: a Col. Littleton belt that I knew he would love, which he did, but it didn't have  any sweet story behind it - other than his friend had one and he said how much he loved it so I had to search around to find one! No big deal though...

Well, then John blows me out of the water with his sweet, thoughtful gift... Of course! He has such a sweet heart. He purchased an old antique wine box and started a new tradition. Each year we write a note to one another and put a bottle of wine in the box, and then each year on our anniversary we read the notes, celebrate with wine, and write new notes. I know... Just close your mouth and know its completely okay to be jealous! See below. :) 

I better go ahead and start thinking of something extra creative for next year: fruit and flowers? I do have something up my sleeve for tomorrow, though! All John knows is that we are heading out of town (1 hour and 30 minutes away) and he has to bring his bathing suit. Any guesses where we will be going and what we will be doing?

Eat, Pray and Love

Today was such a great day for me. A friend whom I have been thinking about lately but haven't talked to since undergrad, called. We spent a lot of time catching up via phone and I found out that her and her husband were blessed with a little girl about 20 months ago. Her call was such a blessing and I can't wait to meet up for lunch next week!

Also, today I had my first acupuncture treatment. I have been hesitant about this since John and I first  realized getting pregnant wasn't going to be an easy journey but many of my friends have said it worked for them so it's worth a try to me. Not to mention, reading other blogs and infertility experiences, many women claim it has done wonders for their lining. At this point I decided anything was worth a try; I mean if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and I move on to the next thing - whatever that may be. John, on the other hand, thinks I am doing voodoo but is extra supportive if it makes me feel better. He is a "kidder" and uses this as a way to make me laugh.... After all, laughter is the best medicine!

The appointment actually wasn't bad at all. We spent a lot of time discussing my diet. Long story short, I need to cut out my favorite foods: dairy, sugar and wheat. And.... Eat more vegetables. Worst.news.ever. Although I have been trying extra hard lately to eat more vegetables, I was never expecting to change over my diet to 75% veggies. Oh the things you do for love...

During the rest of the visit we talked about my stress levels. He encouraged me to continue to do the things I find relaxing and enjoyable, which would include sewing, reading, and cooking, to name a few. If i had more money I would include shopping on that list but all this has completely taken shopping out of my vocabulary. However, David did tell me that if I enjoy running, I should continue to do it, just in moderation (the doctors had told me to maybe try walks so that my weight doesn't continue to drop). David, the acupuncturist, also said I should take up yoga and some other similar form of exercise that I forgot the name of; lucky for me my neighborhood hired a yoga instructor to come do yoga by the pool once a week! I can't wait to start. :)

After a lot of discussion and filling in David about every part of my life and story, the needlework began. Because it was my first visit he only put in about 15 needles; some in my feet, lower legs, hands, and even one between my eye brows (strange, I know but just go with it). He coached me on breathing and internal meditation and even gave me a shoulder and neck massage. Surprisingly, nothing hurt but I did feel a tingling sensation in my legs. The rest of the experience was very relaxing. I am not completely sure I am believe in acupuncture but I am trying to embrace every aspect of it and give it a try. If anything, I enjoy the extra time to engage in prayer, reflect on life, relax, and learn to better my diet.

:) Until next time..... Eat, pray and love! (Just seemed appropriate)

Post Op

 First off, we would like to just say thank you for your diligent prayers and sweet messages today. Your prayers are working!

This morning John and I headed to my post op appointment and we left the office feeling more positive and comforted than we (mostly I) have in awhile! Doctor C went over results, and conclusions with us and here is what we found out: the laparoscopic portion of my surgery was great. There was no sign of any scarring, endometriosis, my ovaries looked great, my tubes looked great, and my uterus looked healthy. Dr. C said after looking at the pictures and her notes that the dye was put in my tubes before the pictures were taken and since the dye did not go through my tubes it expanded my uterus. She feels very confident that this is the reasoning behind the shape at the time of pictures and that I do not have aydenmyosis, especially since I do not or have not had any symptoms.

Next, we discussed the hysterscopic part of my surgery. Dr. C began by saying that the inside of my uterus was rather abnormal. When you first enter you should be able to see the tube openings (Ostia) but in my case she couldn't identify them at all. In addition she saw this webbing substance. As she started to remove part of the webbing substance she was able to identify where she thought the ostia may be; she eluded to the fact that she poked around but did not try to reopen my tubes. There is no clear explanation for why they are closed - it could just be the way I was born or some unforeseen thing that has happened. We asked if the webbing was sent to pathology and after examining reports she shared that the webbing was actually normal uterine tissue, Horray! Dr. C continuously shared how great it was that there was no sign of scar tissue because since I did not have any endometriosis, infection, d&c, etc, there should have been no reason for scar tissue and that would have left us with more unanswered questions. She also said she was sure to do no scraping or burning of my endometrium because that can cause scar tissue and would not be good for my situation.  However, we still have to work on my lining before we get to do IVF. Dr. C said she would check my lining today but didn't really expect to see much growth; she said that this could possibly be because she was just in my uterus removing stuff. Soooo we went into the ultrasound room feeling like there was no hope for a lining....

I enter the room and I am immediately asked to empty my bladder. I do as I am told and stay just a few minutes longer to say a prayer (aka plead) for some good news. I had told the doc that I started taking baby aspirin because I had read it can increase blood flow but she didn't really seem to think that would make a difference. Well.... during the ultrasound she found that my lining had grown to 3.6mm AND had a trilaminar shape! Let's be honest, an embryo needs anywhere from 6-11mm, preferably 9-10mm to implant but this was huge progress in about a weeks time AND I don't think my lining ever had the trilaminar shape before. Dr. C seemed impressed at our progress, so much so that she gave me a print out of the ultrasound: this has never happened in all 100ish ultrasounds I have had!!

So what's next? I am on 10 days of progesterone to induce a period. 2 weeks after the first day of my period I go in for an ultrasound. Meanwhile, I am to take 3 pills of oral estrogen and 1 suppository (I know, ew, gross). Oh yes, and we have got to come up with $12,000-$15,000. This means we need you to continue to pray for peace, comfort, hope, and progress!

Thanks for your love and support! Xoxo

Loyalty

This weekend was exactly what we have needed lately. Friday night John and I went with our neighbors to a comedy competition at Charlie Goodnights; we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. It was perfect and we had a blast. John mentioned that we will certainly have to start making this a frequent date-night! 

Saturday my mom, dad, sister, and grandma came up to celebrate my birthday. It was rainy out so we spent the day inside playing Catchphrase (best.game.ever). Team, "two and a half men" won practically every round but Mom, Grandma, and I had a blast trying. We had a great lunch and I opened gifts. I was surprised with Godiva chocolate, a Nora Fleming platter, and two minis (see below)! We love to host at our house so I am always excited about new platters! Later in the evening we had dinner and brownies before everyone left to go home. It's always so sad to see them leave. 

Because it's summertime and John and I spend many of our weekends at the beach, we haven't been going to church services every Sunday like we typically do. Thankfully, we were able to go this weekend because I sure have missed it! This Sunday was really no different from any other service, other than the fact I cried almost the entire way through. Hormones? Life circumstances? Who knows. At one point our pastor was discussing how many new babies we have had in church lately. He goes on to mention something about a fairy visiting people at night with babies and I lost it; oh, how I wish that fairy would visit us....

The theme for our current church series is called the Superheroes of the Bible; today's service focused on Ruth and her loyalty to Naomi. Luckily, I had studied Ruth in a women's bible study last year so I had quite a bit of background knowledge of her story. Naomi lost her husband and two sons, one of which was married to Ruth. Naomi told Ruth and Orpah, her daughter-in-laws, to return home to their mothers so they could continue their life and basically, find a new husband. Orpah went home (which was expected of her) but Ruth said, "No, where you go, I go; where you live, I will live. I will love the God you love." Ruth's loyalty continues to shine as Naomi and Ruth travel to Bethlehem. I encourage you to continue to read the rest of Ruth's story - it's a short, but great one and the perfect example of loyalty! 

So I am sure you are thinking... where are you going with this? Our pastor shared examples of loyalty choices we may make within life and the whole time I continued to think about the man sitting beside of me. He has a wife who may not be able to carry the children we always talked about having. A wife who is struggling with her purpose in life. Am I a disappointment to him? Am I still the wife he aways dreamed of? In my head I have continued to ask myself why he would possibly still want to be married to me? Well today's church service just reaffirmed every sweet -unprompted- message John continues to share with everyday..... when we got married almost three years ago he made a commitment to be loyal to me, to love me in sickness or in health, until death do us part. He loves me for me and not because of what I can or can't do. His love is true and unconditionally and he is loyal. This is a worry and stress I should never have even let be a worry or a stress. Let it go, Ashley!

Isn't it amazing how God puts the right message in your life at the right time? He is so good! 

So tomorrow is the day we go in for my post op. The doctor will check my lining to see if the estrogen patches have helped at all and we will discuss our next steps. We are asking all of our prayer warriors to pray hard tonight for some good news. We need it! :)

Because when it rains...

Because when it rains, it pours.... BUT there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm!

Today I had my first root canal. :( As if we needed to spend $1500 with all of the other expenses we have had lately and all the ones we have approaching. For those of you who haven't had the joy of experiencing this procedure, it was about three and a half hours of holding my mouth wide open AND because my tooth was so far back, the dental assistant had the hardest time getting the x-rays done mid-procedure. Three weeks from now I go for a two hour appointment to get fitted for my crown and then three weeks from that appointment they will put the crown on [my tooth]. See, I really am a princess!

So even though part of the day was daunting I had the best evening celebrating my birthday eve with my in-laws. My mother-in-law (MIL) made ribs, corn, asparagus and banana cake; everything was delicious. And in the present room (also known to some as the formal living room) I found my very own iPad mini in a cute polka dotted bag. I am putting it to great use right now!

I can't believe in just a few short hours I will be turning 26 years old. Although I know how young I truly am, it astounds me to realize that I am really turning 26! Where did time go? I am looking forward to what God has in store for me this next year. He never ceases to amaze me with rainy days -some with lots of storms- that I never understand but He always ends them with a rainbow and a life lesson.

Cheers to my last couple of hours of being 25!

Thankful

I can't believe it has already been one week since the surgery. Just when I feel like things are getting physically easier, things seem to go down hill. Today the right of my belly button all the way up to my ribs started hurting again. I can't stand for very long, lift things, take a deep breath, or really move a lot without feeling it.  I finally decided to e-mail the doctor about it since the spot hurting is not close to any of the organs focused on during the surgery. My plan is to try to take it easy the rest of the week so that I can completely heal!

Emotionally, I feel everything under the sun. Most of the time I feel as though I am my normal, happy, peppy self, but sometimes I am overcome by a feeling of emptiness and sadness. John will be the first to vouch that I am not one to just randomly cry, and I am not really sure it's one thing or another that makes me cry; sometimes, something seems to just hit me that there is a chance I may never be able to carry a child of my own. I can't even think of adequate words to describe the feeling that this thought leaves me with. 

And then there is confusion. There are just so many unanswered questions. My biggest battle is patience.... I have to wait to talk with the doctor (7 days!!!), I have to wait to see if this medicine works -- and if it doesn't, I have to try something new. And then we wait for follicles to grow and then we wait to see if they fertilize and then we wait... and then we wait some more... and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT!

I know God has a perfect plan in place for our family and that is what keeps me calm and happy and myself. And John... where do I even begin? This man amazes me more and more everyday. He is so patient when I cry but I think that is because I don't really ever cry. He cuddles me and holds me and wipes my tears and plays with my hair and tells me over and over and over again how everything will be okay. He continuously comforts me with the fact that whether we have a child of our own, adopt, have a surrogate, or just stay with our family of 2, he will be the happiest man alive. And then he prays with me. Sometimes I just watch him pray, noticing that lately they are just a little bit longer than they ever used to be; I can't help but fall deeper in love with him knowing that those prayers are for our family and future. How did I get so lucky? 

Of all the feelings I have felt lately.. mostly I just feel thankful. I have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ask for. Phone calls, text messages, dinners, flowers, cards, visits, chats, laughs, prayers, and more..... yall are phenomenal!  I have never felt more loved in my life. Thank you all for your support during this journey. I can only hope I can be just as great of a friend to you all!

xoxo

God is so good! Pray on!!!

ps - We could have an exciting announcement in a couple of weeks. (Obviously, I am not pregnant! But the next best thing!) And don't ask because I can't tell. :) 

Once upon a time...

FYI... this is a long post!

7 years ago I walked up to the neighborhood pool with the kids I was babysitting, signed in with the cute lifeguard and my life forever changed. That cute lifeguard flirted his way to my heart and -thankfully- never left. :) Four years of college, grad school, four years of teaching, and our first home purchase, here we are happily celebrating 3 years of marriage and a lifetime ahead of us. Every step leading to our ultimate dream: a family. Life has {practically} been perfect... until now.

A little over a year ago we decided we were going to stop birth control to regulate my body and just see what happens. I remember being on the dance floor at my sister-in-law's wedding thinking, "this may be my last glass of wine for 9 months {insert chuckle}."

John and I love traveling so each year we try to visit some place new. After the wedding we were going to leave reality and head to our own little paradise in the Dominican Republic. Knowing that I come from an extremely fertile family I was sure this seeing what happens thing wasn't going to last long. I mean my maternal grandmother is one of 13, my mom one of 5, my dad one of 8, and my sister and I are one of 30+ cousins. John's family isn't really lacking in children either.

So a month later, here I was... LATE. Anxiously, I headed to the store to get a test, hurried to back home, and........ are you ready for it?...... a big fat -negative-! WHAT? I couldn't believe it but I continued to tell myself that I wasn't going to worry or stress. So life continued....

Four months later there was still no period and I knew it was time to contact my gyn. After our first visit together my doctor checked my blood work (it all came back clear) and initiated a progesterone challenge to try to induce bleeding. Ten days of pills and I had 12 days of very light spotting. From this my gyn suggested I had something called hypothalamic amenorrhea; basically, my bmi was too low and I needed to gain weight in order to get my body back on track.  So my next job was to gain weight.  I used an app called "My Fitness Pal", ate 2300+ calories a day, and slowly started gaining some weight. A couple of months later... still no period.

After several trips to see my gyn and no changes, she suggested it was time to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). These are not the words I wanted to hear. Going to see a fertility specialist meant I had a problem... there was something "wrong" with me.  I had refused to tell anyone about any of the "issues" we had been facing because I was embarrassed. I felt ashamed and less of a woman. All of my life I have spent preparing and dreaming of being a mommy. Thankfully, I have the most amazing and supportive husband of all. He has been my rock through this journey. His encouraging words, the way he prays for -and with- me every night, his hope, his spirit, and his faith keep me falling in love with him over and over again each day.

A couple of months later I was finally brave enough to face the fact that I needed to go see the specialist. The first visit wasn't bad at all; in fact, we left feeling more hopeful then ever. Our RE told us that my husband was SUPERB and way above average (why, of course he is!) and my blood work was outstanding. She said she hadn't seen a patient with a good thyroid or Vitamin D level in ages, and my age was another factor we had going for us. My AMH (egg count level) was extremely high, which meant I had a ton of eggs and could also be a sign of PCOS. No big deal, she would just start me on hormone shots, make me ovulate, and get me pregnant. Sounds pretty simple, right?

A couple of weeks of shots and I had a couple of follicles growing. My estrogen levels and blood work looked great, but my lining was still extremely thin. When it was time to take the ovidrel, a shot that would make me ovulate, my lining was only at a 4.2 and it needed to be at least an 8. The doctor told us that there was a SLIM, SLIM, SLIM chance of getting pregnant but we would try anyway since we had already spent so much time and money on this round of shots. I was feeling rather downhearted but still, with a lot of prayers we were sure a miracle could happen.

Two weeks later it was time to take a test. At this point we still hadn't told anyone about what we were going through. We were hoping that this would work and we would be able to plan some big, creative, surprise! Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the time we got to surprise anyone. The test was another negative. I called the doctor to see what our next step would be. They put me on estrogen pills, 3 a day, for 10 days and told me to come in on the 10th day for an ultrasound and HSG. The HSG would be a 5 minute, no anesthesia, easy procedure; basically, they were using it as a rule-out procedure.

10 days later, I took a half day off of work and headed to the doctor. I told John this was no big deal and to not worry about taking off of work this time. So here I go, first appointment: ultrasound. The estrogen test was a big fact FAIL. My lining was only a 4.6. :( What in the world?

Okay, on to appointment 2: HSG. Again, the doctor said this would be a simple, easy, painless procedure. Wrong, again. :( From the time they started to the time they finished, the pain was excruciating. And to make matters worse, when they were done with the procedure they doctor said, "I am sorry it took so long but it wasn't normal." He proceeded to then explain that I had a filling defect in my uterus and no dye went through my tubes. I was devastated, but thankful I had scheduled time after this appointment to talk through the results with the doctor.

Appointment 3: Doctor-to-patient chat. The hardest part about this appointment is that my doctor was stunned and really had no answers, except surgery. She said it seemed as though there might be scar tissue in my uterus but she had no idea how that could be; I had never had any kind of surgery, never had a child, or any other medical reason that would make sense. There was just no explanation and the only way she could really figure out what was going on was to do laproscopic and hysterscopic procedures. There are only three words to describe me at this point: a.hot.mess. I had never had surgery before in my life, why now?

School finally let out for the summer, John and I took a ten day vacation to the beach, and it was time for surgery. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I was going to be because I had the best support team waiting for me: family and friends. The surgery encouraged us to open up and share our story with our families and friends. Sharing our struggles has been one of the best things we have ever done.

Well, what came of the surgery? Positives: I have a ton of eggs, outside of my ovaries, uterus and tubes looked great. On the other hand, my uterus is globular shaped but the doctor doesn't really have any answers for why. It is consistent with something called adenomyosis but, like everything else, I don't have a lot of the symptoms that go along with that diagnosis. There was no scar tissue in my uterus but there was a webbing that the doctor hadn't seen before. She teased that away. And, for the biggest bummer... she couldn't find any opening to my tubes, another instance she had never seen before. So at the end of the day.. really no answers. However, the doctor seemed pretty confident that IVF will work. That's another story for a different day.

So, here we am three days after surgery starting this blog to keep family and friends updated. Our story is a long one to tell and it's easier to update everyone at once. Not to mention, I have found that there are more people who have trouble out there than I ever realized. John and I have found some of the deepest friendships and glimpses of hope through our friends who have shared their story. We hope that our story can make a difference, too!

** Happy 4th! We have our freedom because of the brave! **