Thankful

I can't believe it has already been one week since the surgery. Just when I feel like things are getting physically easier, things seem to go down hill. Today the right of my belly button all the way up to my ribs started hurting again. I can't stand for very long, lift things, take a deep breath, or really move a lot without feeling it.  I finally decided to e-mail the doctor about it since the spot hurting is not close to any of the organs focused on during the surgery. My plan is to try to take it easy the rest of the week so that I can completely heal!

Emotionally, I feel everything under the sun. Most of the time I feel as though I am my normal, happy, peppy self, but sometimes I am overcome by a feeling of emptiness and sadness. John will be the first to vouch that I am not one to just randomly cry, and I am not really sure it's one thing or another that makes me cry; sometimes, something seems to just hit me that there is a chance I may never be able to carry a child of my own. I can't even think of adequate words to describe the feeling that this thought leaves me with. 

And then there is confusion. There are just so many unanswered questions. My biggest battle is patience.... I have to wait to talk with the doctor (7 days!!!), I have to wait to see if this medicine works -- and if it doesn't, I have to try something new. And then we wait for follicles to grow and then we wait to see if they fertilize and then we wait... and then we wait some more... and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT!

I know God has a perfect plan in place for our family and that is what keeps me calm and happy and myself. And John... where do I even begin? This man amazes me more and more everyday. He is so patient when I cry but I think that is because I don't really ever cry. He cuddles me and holds me and wipes my tears and plays with my hair and tells me over and over and over again how everything will be okay. He continuously comforts me with the fact that whether we have a child of our own, adopt, have a surrogate, or just stay with our family of 2, he will be the happiest man alive. And then he prays with me. Sometimes I just watch him pray, noticing that lately they are just a little bit longer than they ever used to be; I can't help but fall deeper in love with him knowing that those prayers are for our family and future. How did I get so lucky? 

Of all the feelings I have felt lately.. mostly I just feel thankful. I have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ask for. Phone calls, text messages, dinners, flowers, cards, visits, chats, laughs, prayers, and more..... yall are phenomenal!  I have never felt more loved in my life. Thank you all for your support during this journey. I can only hope I can be just as great of a friend to you all!

xoxo

God is so good! Pray on!!!

ps - We could have an exciting announcement in a couple of weeks. (Obviously, I am not pregnant! But the next best thing!) And don't ask because I can't tell. :)